Trying To Bl0g~

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Welcome to stressvile – population: me!

It may not be immediately obvious to readers of this blog but I have a slight tendency towards obsessiveness (/sarcasm).  It usually helps in my work because my job is essentially to solve problems so an obsessive nature helps when you have to pursue a particularly elusive solution.  The trouble is, when I can’t see what the solution is, or a clear path to a solution I have to fight down a rising urge to freak out.

My brain essentially divides itself into two halves: the freaking out part (oh my god!  I don’t know what the solution is this very second!  I’m a fraud, they’ll fire me for sure!) and the part that’s trying to get me to calm the fuck down and be realistic (you’ll get there in the end, nobody’s saying you have to have a conclusive answer right now, just keep working on it.)

And it’s all made a bit harder by the fact that I’m not particularly driven to do the work.  It’s engaging enough so far as work goes and I’m paid quite well so I’m not complaining but it isn’t in my soul if you know what I mean.  I don’t bound out of bed every morning bursting with the excitement of another full day of business analysis.

The blogging and video making are far closer to what I actually want to do as opposed to what I need to do to earn money.  It provides a good balance (work to earn money, other stuff to have fun and feel fulfilled) but I have been noticing of late that as work gets more stressful, blogging seems waaaaay more appealing.  So I get distracted from work which ultimately leads to more stress which makes work less appealing which makes the internet more appealing and all that distraction is but a mouse click away.

Damn you, internet!

June 27, 2007 Posted by | BlogGiNg, Work | Leave a comment

I am so fucking lazy

It may sound strange that a man who’s maintained pretty much daily blog posting for over a year and made nigh on 350 videos in even less time proclaims himself to be lazy, but in many important ways that’s what I am: lazy.  Not least in ways that society finds useful, namely my job.

Sometimes I feel like they barely get 2 productive hours out of me in a day at work.  I’m so easily distracted.  I’m always reading things that are nothing to do with work, aimlessly web surfing or writing in this blog (although I usually limit blogging to my lunch hour).  The bizarre thing is, nobody at my current job seems to share my low opinion of my productivity.

Most days I expect sometime to finally go “Hey, he’s been fooling us!  He doesn’t do anything here, let’s fire his lazy arse!”  And yet each day I get treated with respect and congratulated on the quality of the work I actually manage to produce.  The thing is, to my great surprise, I seem to have landed in almost the perfect role for me.

Not only do all my strengths work here, but they are strengths and experience that nobody else here has so even when I think I’m a lazy shit I’m actually making contributions that nobody else can.  Far more often I’ve experienced workplaces where I was subjected to enourmous amounts of unwarranted negative behaviour from management so I frequently find it hard to believe I’m not always on the verge of receiving more of the same.

Today, my manager dragged me into a closed door meeting without warning to discuss some “important matters”.  I thought, this is it, I’m fucked.  Somebody’s been tracking my net usage and I’m about to get boned.  Instead, I was asked to help with some important high-level management decisions.  All that fun strategy stuff.

Weird.

I’m lazy in my life outside work too.  I feel like there’s some sort of hump I can’t get over with both this blog and my video making.  I’ve made more headway in terms of readership/ viewership than I ever thought I would but there are plenty of people getting way more attention.  That wouldn’t bother me so much apart from the fact that so many of them are shit.  I mean I am really, really sick of people whose output is utterly fucked getting more attention than me.

Blogs that are pointless, badly written, unintelligent, not funny.  Videos that are uninspired, poorly executed, show no talent or originality whatsoever.  You know, 99.999% of the internet.  It’s all fucked and it’s pissing me off.

I think my biggest problem is I’m no good at self promotion.  I’ve done some basic self promotion which has gotten me this far but there’s no doubt that the highest profile online personas (even the genuinely talented ones) got where they are because they’re way better at marketing than I am.

My other problem is that I absolutely suck at time management.  I essentially know they things I should be doing to self-promote but most of the time I can’t be bothered doing them.  I think I reached a low point with motivation on about Sunday when I noticed that I was rapidly approaching my one year anniversary on YouTube.

I’ve always been invigorated by reaching milestones with this blog but this particular milestone depressed me.  The main difference between promoting this blog and promoting videos on YouTube is that promoting the blog is all down to me while the single biggest promotion tool on YouTube, being “featured”, is totally beyond my control.

And when I considered that one year milestone all I could think was what other sucker has put in so much effort for so long without being featured even once?  I like to think while my videos may not be timeless classics of art, they’re pretty fucking good for one person working pretty much alone with zero budget.  If every video featured by YouTube was better than mine I wouldn’t feel bad, I’d simply work at getting better.

But when about 90% of the featured videos are utterly fucked I get a bit down.  Some very, very good work is featured.  Stuff that I don’t reckon I have a hope of competing with comes up every now and then.  But cute fucking animal videos?  Worse still, badly shot, shitty sound, not even vaguely fucking interesting fucking animal videos?  And it isn’t even the swearing (which is what I kept telling myself for a while to make myself feel better).  They featured videos with heaps of swearing – not often, but they’ve done it.

It’s hard at this point to not feel like someone at YouTube has made a conscious decision to exclude me from being featured.  I have no evidence whatsoever for this of course, just my bad mood.  As my angry attitude is what guides me through most of my life decisions, it seems only right to apply it here as well.

Anyway, fuck YouTube.  Or to be fair, YouTube already does more for me than I have any right to expect (free hosting, a platform with a potential reach that I couldn’t hope to match without them) so I won’t obsess about it too much.  But seriously, fuck them anyway.

I don’t expect anyone to pity me, I vent as self-therapy, not as a cry for help.  Besides which, I’ve been clawing my way out of my bad mood since Sunday.  The first positive came when I received my latest pay notification from The Fizz Newzz.  Oh yeah, I thought, there have been some worthwhile developments in the last year.  During the week I was finding it difficult to make videos because of my general mood, made worse when I noticed the average number of views for my videos had been going down.

I needed some external motivation so I set about doing something.  I am meeting up with my friend who’s a director tonight to talk about things in general and he’s always a good source of motivation.  Then I have to start working with other people more.  I have a few ideas that require involvement from other people (sorry I haven’t advanced our plans Gruntski but the collaboration we were discussing is definitely one I want to do) and I think simply being involved with other people will improve my mood.

And although I might sound rather negative in this post, I didn’t start writing it until I actually started feeling better.  One thing that considerably improved my mood was reading this article.  I’m not sure what it is about the article in general, but it’s certainly funny and well written.  Quite a bit of thought behind it too.  The only downside is what seems like an excessive amount of ads to me but, hey, they guy’s gotta make a living.  It might brighten your day up too.

June 27, 2007 Posted by | BlogGiNg, Youtube | Leave a comment

A secret message for long-time readers

I’ve been thinking about something this past week since hitting my brief moment of internet stardom.  This is only of relevance to my really long term readers so if this isn’t you, stop reading now.

Seriously.

This is a secret that I’m only letting long term readers in on.  If you’re a recent reader you won’t even be affected by this secret so don’t worry about it.  “Recent” would be if you only started reading in the last week but this is probably relevant if you’ve been reading for about three months or less.  Stop reading now if this is you.  Go read another post.

I mean it.  Don’t make me fuck you up.  You will only have to have read a couple of posts to know I’ll do it.  So for your own sake, only keep reading if you’re a long term reader.

OK, so here’s the secret: I’m going to start recycling posts.  I’ll still be writing new material (most of the time, in fact) but there is so much good stuff that I’ve written over the past 15 months that only a tiny number of people have seen, it seems a waste to let it rot.  Now that my genius has been more widely appreciated, I can share some of these hidden gems.

So maybe a couple of times a week I will be republishing something that might seem vaguely familiar.  I imagine in most cases there will be at least some re-writing involved so it won’t simply be carbon copies of previous material.  Maybe you even have a favourite of your own from the past that you think deserves a wider audience.  If that’s the case, let me know.  In any case, as time goes by you may get a feeling of deja-vu when reading this blog that isn’t totally unfounded.

Or you might be crazy.  It’s so hard to be sure sometimes.

June 27, 2007 Posted by | BlogGiNg | Leave a comment